The Dairy of Doctor Bong

Penis.

2008-10-29T06:33:00.000-07:00

Penis.

Rather than compose some satirical offering about educational horrors, I've decided to shift to the political spectrum for today.

Here's an extract from TalkingCock.com, a premier satirical humour website for Singaporeans, by singaporeans.

23. You think that nothing makes a girl or guy more attractive than to dress exactly like hundreds of thousands of other girls and guys who all dress exactly like girls and guys in malls.

24. You think that $100,000 is a reasonable price for a Toyota Corolla and $1,000,000 is a reasonable price for a bungalow, but $5 for a plate of fried noodles is a barbarous outrage.

25. You believe that not being able to get decent roti prata outside Singapore is enough to keep the best and the brightest people from leaving.

26. You see nothing wrong with forming committees of select elite people to deliberate and study ways to stimulate creativity and spontaneity.

27. You justify every argument with the phrase "in order for us to be competitive in the 21st century".

40. You're not confused by a street naming system that locates streets like Clementi Road, Clementi Street, Clementi Crescent, Clementi Lane, Clementi Drive, Clementi Way, and Clementi Avenues 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 all within walking distance of each other.

The full list is available here:

http://www.talkingcock.com/html/sections.php?op=viewarticle&artid=84

Also check out the section on political jokes.

A bonus for all subscribers!

2008-09-29T06:13:00.000-07:00

All subscribers do take note!

Please tell your friends that

Dr.Bong Pte Ltd and all its affiliates have been charged by the FBI (Fail Bunker Indignation) with regards to 'Tonying', which is shorthand for 'Infringing Copyright Law'. All material on this site will be suspended pending further notice. All plastics will be hung. All babies will be eaten. Also, we're having a $2 sale on potatoes at Kim Chee Rd. All Rights Reserved. The FBI and its associates are registered trademarks of Ong, Inc.

Now that everyone's too tired to care,
I suddenly feel guilty about not urinating for a month now.
Surely you, prisoners to my regime, have been able to pass a humourless life just fine?
Perhaps not.

In that case, here are some original insults::

Comparisons
Excel Sheet - Waffle Iron
Brain - Limited Warranty??
EXCESSSIVE USE OF QUESTION MARKS????
yorur brain reminds me of a potato.. soft and mouldy
and also of a big mac.. it causes indigestion

and also of sponges.. it takes in lots and lots of WATER

OOH THIS IS A GOOD ONE

Your brain remnds me of.. SBS buses it's notoriously slow

ANOTHER GOOD ONE

Your brain reminds me of singaporean security.. MAS SELAMAT COULD PASS THROUGH IT

Senseless but laughable

Random thought: SOMEONE OWES DR. BONG $4.00 PLUS TAX

Your brain reminds me of a FRIED SOTONG... LIMP AND COOKED

YOUR BRAIN REMINDS ME OF FILTER PAPER.. IT CANT EVEN STORE WATER

YOUR BRAIN RUNS ON TOILET FLUSHES

YOUR BRAIN IS POWERED BY HAMSTER

Thirty-One and i'm Still Alive

2008-08-26T07:09:00.001-07:00

But there's no sense crying over every mistake
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake

Today is a good day, indeed.
It is Appreciation Week. On Monday we showed our gay pride for the custard-custodians of our school by presenting them with medals so they could feel good inside while the organisers basked in the glory that their organizational skills showed to the rest of us. They are certainly angling for a promotion.

On a more resolved note, I will now list the Top 4 at 10.

Song Name - Artist Name

What It Means To Be A Dictator - Prain Peeves
Conquering The World, One School At A Time - Educational Resolve
Moe, The Bully - Calvin and Hobbes
Resolving Your Issues With Women - Counselling Children Of Colombia
Learning To Make Friends - Becoming The Drug Itself
Swearing - The Bitch Boys
Humping - Engelbert Humperdick
A Rush Of Blood To The Head - The Dick Five

Updates

2008-08-16T00:26:00.000-07:00

My second concubine left the institution on Aug 1. The Board of Old Fucks has installed two new concubines for my sexual pleasures whose names shall remain undisclosed.
This will not only lessen the available power among the current three, by redistributing the power, it will also prevent any one individual from having too much power (except me). This system of checks and balances is SO SEXY!
There is a rising star coming up in the executive hierachy. I shall now lay down
a sneak preview of

[[Bong's Guidelines To Effective Dictatorship]] (Only $39.90):

Lesson 78: How To Maintain Your Power - Method 24 -
The Party Exclusions, Nomaclatures - Isolationist Senatorialia (codename PENIS)

To effectively maintain your grip on power, giving you virtually free will to execute further policies in your personal interests (such as share price manipulation), you must ensure that no one individual besides you has too much power. Play your opponents against each other. Rumours must be spread through the use of rumor-mongers while you form strategic political alliances to distance yourself from any blame (and scapegoat others) if the persons betray you or anything else goes wrong. By making your opponents the targets []HAHAHAHHAHHAPENIS[] of each others' aggression, you can take a back seat while they tear at each other's throats, ruining their reputation in the views of neutral parties. This also imrpoves your reputation as a clean-fighting White Knight (TM).

Comment Que'Ce'S'est?

2008-07-20T07:08:00.001-07:00

Today is an excellent time to post.
In fact, today is of excellent weather. Would you like to masturbate?
A hokkien 101 video is available on YouTube, but it's not where i want to go. Today, I wish to explore the sexualities of rats. You will need full screen to see the subtitles.

Yes.
Wa Ka Lu Kong, Ping You =
Wo Gen Ni Jiang, Peng You

I try to learn hokkien every day so I can learn some pickup lines with regard to that hot brunette security guard.

what i am about to say si completely true, but i have to disguise the important parts, but i'm sure you can pick it up

Also, THERE HAS BEEN A POWER STRUGGLE LATELY. ENGKONG HAS LEFT T0 SJI INTERNATIONAL.

3 letters:

(A,B,_) (_OME, _OUSE) O

WILL ALSO LEAVE FOR SUPPORTING HIM AND UNDERMINING ME,,,WHENTHATBATARD GAVE HIM A GOOD ENOUGH TESTIMONIAL TO LEAVE FOR ANOTHER SCHOL. POLITICS IS MY HYMEN. FEAR IT.
I MUST BUILD A CULT OF ONG, IT SEEMS. WHAT ELSE IS IT GONNA TAKE? FINE. I WILL FILL UP MY CABINET WITH LOYAL PERSONNEL AND RUTHLESSLY REMOVE EVERYONE WHO DOES NOT.
THOSE OF YOU NOT IN MY SCHOL. YOU HAVE THE NEWS. SPREAD IT LIKE WILDFIRE. THIS IS INSIDE INFO.

50 posts

2008-07-13T05:32:00.000-07:00

I AM SO HAPPY.
MOST OF THE IB COHORT GOT AN AVERAGE OF 29 FOR THEIR MIDYEARS.
THIS CALLS FOR MASSIVE EJACULATION.

My milk

2008-07-01T07:02:00.000-07:00

This is the part where most people would post some song lyrics, (quote: USE ME AS YOU WILL, PULL MY STRINGS JUST FOR A THRILL)
but I am not that kind of person.
Dr.Bong graduated from the university of Fale with flying colours and a first degree hammer on the noggin.

Therefore, I will post my own lyrics, but solely for amusement.

I'll keep you my dirty little secret,
I've found a reason to show,
I still don't have a reason.
She's watching over me.
Destiny is calling me
It was an honest mistake
I never meant to brag
I can be your hero babe
Scream my lungs out
Today could be the best day of your life.
Cos it's nine in the afternoon.

Bong is pleased - Again.

2008-06-19T09:15:00.001-07:00

Do you know why? DO YOU KNOW WHY?
More and more worker ants have come to support the four queen ants who sit on their chamberpots of gold. And when such actions are done, the four queen ants are immeasurably pleasured. Yes, they are.

I read a book today, Horrible Histories - Beastly Bong.
It told of a mystical villain in A.D 500, in a eastern province of China. In fact, it was a coastal town...

(Old And Withering Policeman) Lao Fak: Hi! Hello!
Bong: (bringing his trishaw into a garden) Hmmmm?
Lao Fak: You cannot park here ah! I issue you summons. Then the Lan Tiao Authority will come down hard on you.
Bong: ....
Lao Fak drops dead of his own accord. Actually, we shall never know if he had an actual choice, or say, in the matter.
Bong raises his hand, demolishing the whole village, save one healthy young man.
Bong: Pull my trishaw.
Healthy Yang: What if I REFUSE?
Bong: Then I shall summon iron hands to grab your two front wheels.
Healthy Yang: ....
Bong: AND your gearstick.
Healthy Yang: OK, OK, I'll pull your trishaw.

And such it was that Beastly Bong got his way in his time. His conquests were subsequently recorded in the anals of Confuckus.

2008-06-13T08:45:00.000-07:00

Here's one to think about-

ANAGRAM:

Anglo Chinese School -
Hell CEO Ong Has Coins

Also, when you type in cash using the standard phone keypad predictive text function, I got acsi instead of cash.

The Short Wang Parody

2008-04-20T05:31:00.000-07:00

i was emo.
i cut my twig and berries today.
it really hurt.
all the blood fell out
but it felt good in the end.
this stuff is addictive.

This has been a Short Wang Parody [copyright mymaturerantings.blogspot.com]. We hope you have enjoyed it. Note the use of short in more ways than one.

Bong's blog

2008-04-13T05:11:00.001-07:00

The time i was erected into principal, I faced opposition from those who discarded me because i was a fafflesian.

WELL NO MORE.

Step 1 of my "Eliminate-the-rebel-elementz" is complete.

Moving on to Step 2, where certain peoples will face the axe-
and cower.
Yea, they will cower and run in fear of my all-reaching cube, comprising

ALPHA TEAM - led by Agent 001, Alpha Team seeks to sow discord among the opposition.
BETA TEAM - led by Agent #2, it works behind the scenes to secure legal leeway.
DELTA TEAM, led by Agent A-333, it is the main driving force. It is the outer wall, the protection aura that everyone sees. It is what makes people BELIEVE.
And the most feared of all -
OMEGA TEAM, led by the most stealthy and cunning female assault rifle cum cum leader beatbag bean f10 noobhax0rz which uses brute force to eliminate partisan troops. Its main outlet of power is

THE HAMMER.
I do mean the wooden mallet, of course.

LolCat

2008-04-06T06:40:00.001-07:00

Sorry for the lengthy absence. I was too angry over the ALLEGED DEFAMATIONZZZZ OF T3H NATIONAL ANTHEM BY LOLCAT.

In future, I will want to ban all lolcats from entering.
I should bring this to that fat security guard.
Not that I don't alraedy bring him 3 bowls of indian mee every day.

JUST FOR MEE
FUN WITH MEE
I think this shit is going way too far.
I'd like to have a sumptuous MEEEEEal, please.
This is such a MEEEEEEager allowance.
The average of some values can be said to be the MEEEEEan.
Or the MEEEEEEdian.
Some rivers have MEEEEEanders.
I think this post is MEEEEEaningless.
I would like to travel to the Greenwich MEEEEEEridian.
I think your mom has MEEEEEasles. But of course, that's not MEEEEEasurable.
I would like to eat some vegetables and MEEEEEat.
I wish to travel to the city of MEEEEEEcca.
In future, I wish to study MEEEEEEEchanical enginerring. (LOL enginerring)
Our school won a gold MEEEEEEdal.
the MEEEEEEEdia is quite annoying.
In siddharta, some faggots MEEEEEEdiate on MEEEEEditation.
I need some MEEEEEEdical assistance.
Get those noodles away from me, you faggot!

2008-03-22T08:29:00.001-07:00

Shake hands today!

2008-03-17T07:01:00.000-07:00

Merry Christmas all.

I want to start by sharing with you a nice little story.

Rather, I changed my mind. I want to read out this

letter of appreciation. It comes to us from the Mistalite Communist Home.

To: Dr Bong

The staff and otherwise of the Mistalite Communist Home are very grateful to the house of Ong for their cash donation of $50.00. The House Of Ong had also helped by cleaning floors (admittedly, they paid some passers-by to do it) and washing the windows (with paint). We would like to thank the House Of Ong for their kind support and their negligence in showing any sort of charitable means.

Signed, your good friend Adolf, Leader Of The Third Reich (not Rich, mind you.)

P.S: Now you know where all your money has gone, sods.
P.P.S: Hint: Deep pockets astern.
P.P.P.S: You need an elevator to get to the bottom of them.

2008-03-13T08:15:00.001-07:00

What you people need when the homework is piling over these despondent holidays is a nice little shinamaroo to cheer you up. Today Bong brings you 5-star stories from across the border.

Today's thought of the day:

If you, in your online gaming adventures or otherwise, happen to meet a Malaysian, you should be kind to them because they supply us with water at only 3c per litre.
If you meet an Indonesian, blame him for the fo-
ok
No offence ya
I know this piece of
highly-regarded literature is read in many places
And I do not wish to condone offensive behaviour towards minorities

Okay what am i saying?
Bong organises strange activities every week, whether it's the Si Mi Symposium or the Shit symposium.

BONG

2008-03-02T02:11:00.000-08:00

The Definition Of Bong

A bong, also commonly known as a water pipe, is a smoking device, generally used to smoke cannabis, tobacco, or other substances.[1][2] The construction of a bong and its principle of action is similar to that of the hookah, which is also called "water pipe". Smoking a bong contrasts with smoking a pipe or cigarette in two major ways: bongs cool the smoke before it enters the user’s lungs (making it easier to smoke), and a large amount of smoke is inhaled quickly as opposed to the smaller, more frequent, inhalations of pipe and cigarette smoking.

Taken from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bong

Bong now brings you inside stories and fruity gossip and commentary that everyone loves to read. From the arses to the autotaps, all the juicy rumours now come to you LIVE and FREE of charge.
I do this, dear readers, because I can.

2008-02-26T04:05:00.001-08:00

Bong is on leave.

Spread the word!

2008-02-16T18:45:00.001-08:00

Next week is National Bong Appreciation Week (NBA), so please get your balls ready to be beaten.

Educational Decree #63

2008-02-15T04:40:00.001-08:00

From now on, you shall use two phrases in conjuction with my name to promote resonance and general reverberations in educational, social, sexual and circular circles.

The phrases shall be:

#1 - Bong is Pleased
#2 - Bong is Not pleased

Penis

2008-02-14T04:41:00.000-08:00

I think it inappropriate not to mention the recent suicide of a Sec 3 student in my school, who apparently had quite enough of his parents and life in my school. I think this will lower the PSLE cut-off score slightly.
If I wasn't CEO of such a big corporation, I would have suicided at a young age as well. My parents demanded that I joined the Flower Society. I was adamant against this - I was hellbent on entering the Ballet Corps. Fortunately we resolved this when they died.

As CEO of ACS(I), I thank you all for making me immensely wealthy.
Yesterday, I built a guest house using bundles of cash as bricks.

In future, I plan to charge 10c for usage of the toilets. The money will add up quickly but the small change will be slightly unwieldy.

Flush De Royale

2008-02-13T06:04:00.001-08:00

A K Q J 10

WASSUP

2008-02-11T06:45:00.000-08:00

I SAID, WASSUP YAO?

Y-YEA!

Bong is pleased.

I will be declaring InterSpaceGalaxia-cum (note the cum)- national-intraboundarial Bong Week soon.

Bong week will have a plethora of activites for you to take part in, for the sole purpose of gratifying and praising my name, which I hanve't planned yet. I plan it to be next week though, which means this week will be spent building up to the week!
Activity 1: Slap hands and say Happy Bong Week to your neighbour! Then rub your

(barn-taht)

You'll have to ask a Malay student what that means, it's a malay word.

F5

2008-02-09T03:38:00.000-08:00

A Very Appi' Chinese New Year to all you Sikhs and Hindus! I myself celebrate Hindunese New Year without being directly Bongish, although my father was Croatian and my maternal grandmother was Serb-Mongolian. However, in terms of religion, Croats make me croak. I despise all you zarking Zarquon-believers who respect those from Bishan.
Buona Vista area > Bishan (all parts.) > Bukit Timah > East Coast

Got that?

a parody

2008-02-06T05:00:00.001-08:00

to the tune of Gatsby's Moving Rubber

YOUUUUUUUUUUU CAN GIVE ME MONNNEY..
MONNNNNNNEY..
MONNNNNNNE

to the tune of Umbrella

(dedicated to my #1) Note: Explicit lyrics ahead
Detour not available. Heh heh. Then again whoever visits this is probably not too morally sufficient, so to speak!

I'VE GOT OUR MARRIAGE CART..
AND WE'RE SO NIGHT SMART..
MAYBE WITH ADRENALIN..
BUT YOU'LL STILL LICK MY CAR
BABY CAUSE NIPPLE MARKS
REPRESENT OUR LITTLE SPARKS
and i know what i will wear
for you i'll strip it bare

BECAUSE

WHEN WE LIE WE LIE TOGETHER
TOLD YOU I'M SO VERY CLEVER
BUT I SWORE I'LL NEVER SPEND
HAD A STICK
I'MMA STICK IT OUT TO THE END
NOW WE'RE SHAGGING MORE THAN EVER
KNOW THAT I STILL HAVE YOUR MOTHER
YOU CAN LICK all my mozzarella
ella
ella
eh
eh
eh
eh

DOESNT make a whole cartload of sense, does it?

Super Super Awesome Day

2008-02-04T06:18:00.000-08:00

While pondering over my necklaces and PRETTY IN TOKYO porn shoots, I decided that some changes are in order:

A correction must be made: Raffles should have been known as Faffles
I thank a certain subordinate for this..

Our school's heating costs are too high. They are burning holes in my wallet.
On a related note, my teachers spend too much time at funerals. From now on, all teachers who chaperone cremations done in our school's furnace will NOT be caned.

the IB symposium

2008-02-01T23:05:00.000-08:00

IM TOO EMO TO TALK!
but since this is a private dairy, I'll probably laugh when i read this again.
And since no one really knows about this page, it's all A-OK!

The IB symposium on Friday was quite a farce.

First, the Caucasian Mr. Thomasson from Denmark came over in his Rolls-Royce. The fat Indian security guard stopped him at the gate saying "U CANT COME IN LAH ANGMOH, COME IN AT 240 WHEN SCHOOL ENDS"

Then when his limo got to the circus, the clown came over.

Of course me and my four femme fatales came over and chased away the clown ("WRONG CIRCUS LA LAN JIAO") and said Hi come upstairs into my office for some coffee.

Horror of horrors..

I forgot to keep the handcuffs and leather straps from my private meeting with Mrs. Three last night. They dangled innocently enough from the coat hangers, mocking us.

This was followed by my office window being smacked into two by a thunderous right-foot karate-kick-super-rare-awesome-volley from a certain individual, whose power belies his size. Although his name is protected so I can't say it, and anyway the ball knocked my guest into his cup of coffee, making him Indian without cosmetic surgery.

A very hot
I mean, very angry Indian..

After I had cleaned him up (enjoying every minute!) I said Hey why don't we discuss this beside the koi pond.

It seemed that one of my more mischievous students had rigged the bench beside the pond so that the supports were weaker than Derby County's defence on a bad day. My guest ended up wet (MY UNDERWEAR IS SOAKED YOU SEAHORSING OCTOPI) and very angry indeed.

The classrooms were our next stop, and it was not a happy day when I encountered an entire class in the middle of a mass orgy. Bottles of wine and six-packs of half-drunk beer lay all over the place drenched in all manner of sticky substances, and everyone was naked anyway.

My little glowstick began to rise.
Ashamed, I turned away only to be smothered in a pair of talking cleavage.
Does this make any sense to you, dear reader?
It made little sense to me that my day was going so badly.

After he had left, Fanny asked me
"So what are you going to do about it?"
I smiled, and replied,
"Nothing. I told him we're the Raffles Institution."

iWank

2008-01-31T06:23:00.000-08:00

Today's parody of parodies, a picture of phenoms, a parity of plurals, will be simply this:

I hope this amuses you as much as it tickled me. Frankly it is a joy to watch someone who may "due to so-called wide opinion" be more corporately advantaged and economically untangled than i am being projected, displayed and generally mocked in the style of Shakespearean psuedo-Victorian but more quasi-Italian Michaelangelo-esque period artwork.
Tomorrow, I will be taking a private jet down to Seattle which is where this fine work of art was sculpted.

Things to do:

1) Shake the author(drawer? pictureman? sculptist? artist?)'s hand
2) Give him a commission to do one of goodol' fellatio-licking good Colonel Sanders
3) Give him a second to do Donald Trump but without the manly parts
4) Buy large hammer
5) Use large hammer at place where legs meet torso
6) Take video and post on YouTube to increase popularity
7) See the Sea in Seattle!
8) Settle Serenely in Seattle!
9) Find the faggot CEOs that all made it into the Fortune 500 list and write their addresses down
10) Find Al Capino (And The Gang Of Bloodthirsty Bentos)

I shall also be bringing along a "lenie" hand
Wops! Very bad pun thar.

Anyway the lenie hand will be to perform ane xperiment
the experiment is
Will the sculpture break
if old Ronald is caught in
shall we say,
a PINCER attack
from both the front and the back

Note: For the back, a blowtorch/screwdriver/pool cue/chainsaw seems more accurate.
It may also turn me on! That would be a nice surprise for my birthday. In fact the last time I really got turned on was on my last birthday when one of my cunningly cosvestite concubines leaped out of the 2-metre cake completely naked. Yes, those were good times.

Compose

2008-01-30T06:31:00.000-08:00

Compositions are a daily part of life.
I hope more people will de compose.

2008-01-29T05:38:00.000-08:00

hey sup

I hear from an reliable informant
i mean, A reliable informant
that random ib grads know much and much complexities about my blog!
I am pleased at this popularity.

DRONG IS PLEASED.

You know the other day...
Well maybe you don't know, but that's why I'm telling you now. It shows that you can learn a new thing every day. And that education never stops and what shit but the DPs of education all around the world can go fuck themselves.

I was so pleased that I urinated without splashing all five urinals today that I awarded my third holiday to my little underlings in only a month. Add that to the chinese new fear (year?) holiday and that makes me a generous little man.

Of course, don't expect me to be so generous with the greenbacks, and purplebacks and redbacks. Espcially the redbacks K?

I was most amused by a poster on a pillar on the ground floor near the circus that said

Photog society: We make heads turn. Literally.

What was most entertaining was that the heading Photog society had been cancelled and
the word
Chiropractors had been written in its place.

This should teach you lousy taggots not to use zarking cliched chileans so often in my grand-esteemed school, eh? You don't want the Caucasian (or Arng Morh) delegates to faint of mental psychopathicalitisms.

Well if the time ever comes that I post nude, then let my fanny take a picture of it!

The Sarcasm Of Wit

2008-01-09T04:34:00.001-08:00

Plain Black S'es

When a rose flowered forth from the petal that thorned it,
and the clock tower waved farewell, a tearful one, to I,
For there was once, when I was popular like the poplar tree.

Yet even those who formerly cherished me were swift to hit
the bells of farewell, and do so cheerfully, to I,
And the four whom I loved so dearly slew their bonds of slavery.

Uncommonly, the hairy bear speaks not of what comes forthwith.
Rather, a migration to the beloved neighbours-in-law beckons.

by Deremy Ronald Geisha (D.Ron.G)

I can assure you that while the locations have changed, the parodying will never stop.

Today, I literally jumped for joy (and got stuck) when I read the IB results. An average of 39.37 for the L1R5

[Reminder: Call a handyman to fix the ceiling, which is steadily farting out stones and dust after I cracked it with that overambitious jump]

I mean, IB diploma is a sight to behold indeed! For that places us third in the world (and first in Asia), and thus makes us a
Third World school.

Backaeyr

2007-11-20T16:12:00.000-08:00

Yo listen up: here's a storyAbout a little guyThat lives in a blue worldAnd all day and all night and everything he sees isJust blue like him inside and outsideBlue his house with a blue little windowAnd a blue Corvette and everything is blue for himAnd himself and everybody around'Cause he aint got nobody to listen: ...I'm blue (da ba dee)I'm blue (da ba dee)I'm blue (da ba dee)I'm blue (da ba dee)I have a blue house with a blue windowBlue is the color of all that I wearBlue are the streets and all the trees are tooI have a girlfriend and she is so blueBlue are the people here that walk aroundBlue like my Corvette it's standing outsideBlue are the words I say and what I thinkBlue are the feeling that live inside meI'm blue (da ba dee)I'm blue (da ba dee)I have a blue house with a blue windowBlue is the color of all that I wearBlue are the streets and all the trees are tooI have a girlfriend and she is so blueBlue are the people here that walk around. Blue like my Corvette it's standing outsideBlue are the words I say and what I thinkBlue are the feeling that live inside meI'm blue (da ba dee)I'm blue (da ba dee)I have a blue house with a blue windowBlue is the color of all that I wearBlue are the streets and all the trees are tooI have a girlfriend and she is so blueBlue are the people here that walk aroundBlue like my Corvette it's standing outsideBlue are the words I say and what I thinkBlue are the feeling that live inside meI'm blue (da ba dee)I'm blue (da ba dee)Just blue like him inside and outside

I will post again soon.

2007-08-31T18:14:00.000-07:00

Lately one of my more mischievous students set up an impossible chair structure.
Unfortunately, it did not hold for long.
This video is also available on YouTube for those who know where to find it.
It is good that the security cameras managed to catch this on film.

Back from my hiatus

2007-07-27T05:57:00.001-07:00

Well!
It is certainly good to be back in Singapore.

Just yesterday I was in China, making love to very hairy basketball players with large moles on their -
Wait!
I shall first tell you about a very pressing matter indeed.

For it came to pass that, at Paya Lebar Airport where I disembarked together with the very kind Iraqi men (although they seemed to have handcuffs behind their backs),
I noticed something awry; in the true sense of the word and PER SE.

Right on the TPE (Tanah Penis Expressway)
there lay a horrible accident.

It appear would to me, that a speeding car had coalesced into the traffic light;
pushing it over (just a little bit);
causing it to block the road with blight;
and flattening a cement mixer underneath it;

thus causing "cement" to ejaculate from it in waves;
The waves blew winds and seasons over;
This wave engulfed a set of palm knaves;
which promptly froze in their bodies, lower;

which was very bad, for a hroribly strong hurricane blew a rafter;
and blew one palm tree over;
but i saw not what happened after;
for i was blown back to Dover.

What a horrible attempt at a poem..
but i can try and always try again.
For as long as the Fantastic Four come to my home,
my "well" will never wane.

The well used in the above example; referred to a very old joke involving an old uncle whose well had run dry.

Although you DO have to give me credit for the sonnet!

Anyway, I was discussing the finer intricacies of basketballers' hair-
Wait, no, let's discuss my corporate policies instead.
I recently reshuffled my cabinet. As long as I have a disciplinarian, I can evoke free trade.

The students are making very commendable attempts to express their views.
but you know what, dear reader?
Haha.
I am a capitalistic-notioned, dictator-oriented, money-laundering economic tycoon.
I am the owner of several bottle plants.
I am also the owner of the largest car production company in Singapore - Hot Wheels (Tm).

What is more, I have four loyal, conniving, wicked subordinates who would go down for a raise.
By the word go down, I do mean of course down to the SAC to help in cleaning.

The bottle plants I mentioned earlier?
Yes, organic plants that give out bottles.
And I only make Hot Wheels imitation cars - another profitable business transaction during my stay in China.
Speaking of the SAC,
my scrotal sac seems to be itching.
I wonder what would happen if i turn it inside out?

2007-06-30T20:06:00.001-07:00

Hi all.

Now fuck off.

The Neo-Marxism

2007-04-01T03:55:00.000-07:00

Cleon has been especially Neo-Marxist of late . Despite the other-worldly claims of Doctor Bong that his volupous secretaries have been massaging his rtr dbavgn hj FOUR NIPPLES

MY NIPPLES HAVE HELIUM

MY OVARIES HAVE TEN=GALLON HATS

MY LABIA MAJORA HAS FIRE EXTINGUISHERS

CARBON DIOXIDE + FAnIOTN
=
Mmm
Tian Clon Wong. I now present to you an POST-PUNCTUATION ART
:: )&59 ))*:[..]] (***{}>>}]{{}:}:}:}:}

TO GOD BE THE GLORY GREAT THINGS HE HATH DONE
SO LOVED HE THE WORLD THAT HE GAVE US HIS SON

-Helerrick.

SBS =/= Super Bus Transit But it can be really fun given the POSITION of who's giving it. The iron fan is very nice when entered but you must remember to check out your boosk propoerly or you will be assassnated by socoot

My dearest Dairy

2007-02-16T17:24:00.000-08:00

I have been overseas in Katam helping poor Mongolian orphans with their daily neccesities.
And when I returned, the school was in a mess.
For me, there is only one way to solve this: Corporate reshuffling.
So I instituted a new form of CCA known as "Homework Detention Class".
In addition, Chinese New Year is here, and as usual I declared Wednesday a Holiday in Fanglo-Fries School or whatever school i belong to, i kind of forgot.
I was thinking about the tagboard to the right - >
And it appears some ba_tard by the name of PC (No, it's not Personal Computer) has been masquerading to fill up my tagboard. I am very honoured by your wasting of time on my board.
I will reward you with ONE (1) day in the "Office" with my four CONcubines. Toys are not provided.
These days, living in Fanglo-Fries School is not easy, but it is made much easier to cope with thanks to my 3-story bungalow, the wattage going into the hundred thousands and the water bill reaching into four digits. I made my own pond the other day by flooding the bathtub. But then now, fungus has grown in the bathtub. Which reminds me of cycling at Pulau Moobin.
In the mornings, I freshen up with some perfume, The "Tweezer Treatment", Red Alert 2 and some solution P in the eyes. Solution P actually contains phosphorous, which glows in the dark. So do remember that the next time you need to relieve yourself. If you're being kidnapped by a gang and you need some light, just wet yourself.
I forgot about my frog.

Demnok Lannik

2006-11-20T21:55:00.000-08:00

Utusan Rikimaru Melayu Bandang Besiktas Arachnia-Schalke Tottenhaam-Decomposer Search Recoba Poll. Qué Sear Muthu bin Laden, sans auf wiedershehen. Hebraw'Min Cesc Carvalheo ami knoda jenaraj mortreda, kulu tagboard mercurial sin sin uhpucker.

Phuck boldar dans mon le hondiwa honjitsu wa seiten nari bi Sans Doren Marry Novamber colu san fosi mout atatet kulukulu ulululation dans teng beng cheng. Quo vadis, gelbium dans denmarkiá von Sera denmarkiá chek' Foresté bláise kuangeraratta yin kangaroo. Pokar danielAiushtra craig mon jinuendo buno buno seh seh seh sonata gozaimus arigato bin sayonara. Tíll néx't timéé bon von parlé vous entendré jin Squid & Squeen, jevon chandrenta Mílk!

Qayonara.

Update

2006-11-08T18:40:00.000-08:00

Today is, um, Wangday.
The Penile Code has been amended.
And Graham Poll is.
Um.
Dubious.
Indecisive.
Confused.
And generally incurred the wrath of 20,000 Everton fans when he sent off an Everton player for probably nothing at all, along with the wrath of at least, AT LEAST, 5,000 Chelsea fans and 30,000 of the general public.

Bloody Taggob. Oh, did I mention the fracas at the World Cup where he gave a Croatian player 3 yellow cards? I wonder what will come next. Maybe he'll award two penalties for one foul.

What really gets me down?

2006-10-11T18:00:00.000-07:00

In the popular comics of Asterix and Obelix, Asterix is often heard to say that "This really gets me down, by Toutatis!" When someone is getting down
Ahem.
When something gets someone down it must mean that he is irritated or frustrated.

What really gets Dear Dr. Bong down is the presence of those stickers on public places and OUTSIDE MY DOOR.

You know, those stickers advertising the services of locksmiths, house rentals and so on. I spotted 7 of them at the MRT station near my house already. Something really must be done about them, to make them regret their action.

The only good thing is that they have to give you their number so you can "contact" them. This brings to mind several excellent "Bong Plots" (patent pending.)

I am sure others have this problem. Feel free to use any of my "Bong Plots" to deal with them as neccessary as befitting these VANDALISERS.

If you wish to avoid any consequences that might arise: If you call them using your mobile or house phone, there is always a risk that they will call back and constantly irritate you by sending fake SMSes or otherwise.. Or call and hang up the moment you pick up. By using a 10 cent pay phone you can avoid any consequences.

Arranged in order of cruelty.

0: Berate them on online forums or write in to Straits Times.

(A very, VERY soft option by the International Bong Standard.)

1: Call 999, because that is legally speaking, an act of vandalism.

(Not cruel enough.)

2: Call them as a member of the public and THEN tell them you will call 999 tomorrow morning. That will make them have quite a sleepless night. In addition, berate them for their defacing of public property.

(Relatively more cruel than 1, but not quite good 3nough...)

2.5: If the advertiser is a locksmith person, you can tell him that you need him to unlock your door because you lost your set of keys. Better yet you can tell him that you live in Pasir Ris, Boon Lay, Punggol or Yew Tee.. Of course, give a fake address and DEFINITELY USE A PAY PHONE PLEASE. Or you'll get reverse-flamed.

3: Call them as a member of CASE. This scene should unfold as such... Let X be the caller and Y be the criminal.

X: Hello?
Y: Arh?
X: My name is Chong Ben Soon (Make up your names, the sky's the limit) and I am from C. A. S. E. I am investigating a claim made against you that you have willingly vandalised the Lavender MRT Station (example.) May I have your address, please.
Y: Uh..
X: If you hang up now, I will approach the Superintendent to triangulate your number and police cars will move in immediately.
Y: What do you want with my address ah
X: I want to get patrol squads to move in. Either way, you will be tried in full court for vandalism. Look out your window.
Y: (looks out the window, but sees nothing ofyour bluff).
X: Police cars are moving into your location in 5 minutes. I advise that you change your number AND start running for the hills now if you want to keep your liberties.
Y: (Hangs up).

With enough luck, he'll start running. If he calls your bluff, then you have no choice but to go to Plan IV:

4: The numbers can be used against them. First though, you should call their number and make sure that the person you are calling IS THE person

For example, if the advertisment says "Ms Goh wishes to rent out a flat to anyone and her number is 93444444" then you should call the number and make sure that IS a Ms Goh, so that no one works against your OWN plans..

Here comes the second part.

"Cheap Renting Out Of Flat! Call Ms Goh at 9344444!"
Repeat this as many times as you wish down the paper. Then print it out. Cut out each section so you should have about a good number of at least 10 pieces.

Attach Blu-Tack or tape or even glue to the back of each section.

Here comes the fun part. When you go out, you have to paste these sections on places which make people TAKE NOTICE. Then you can let other people do the dirty work and FLAME THAT BLOODY WOMAN UNTIL HER HAIR BECOMES COAL. (or until she has to change her number). Do remember that you have to make sure the number you intend to flame is indeed the advertising number and not someone else pulling a prank on us all.

Here are some examples:

- Places Of Worship
- Places Of Interest
- Right outside the Police Station
- On MRT
- On the bus
- Parliament House
- Community Centres (but make sure its outside the GM's office or something).
- Gangster Hideouts (well, if you can get close, good for you)
- Generally, you want places without these advertisments already in abundance, and at places where A-SAOs like my dear Iron Fan will call them up on virtue of public spiritedness. This includes many shopping centres.

I realize that in this course I am vandalising shopping centres. You can just make the notices with a little BLu-Tack, then they'll remove easily without any stain, and the woman will STILL get the backlash after effect- innuendo.

That concludes Plan 4. There is an upgrade to Plan 4, called Plan 4.1:

4.1: Advertise Sex instead of housing rentals for the persons involved. Sticking it on Places Of Interest and Places Of Worship is very, very, very, cruel.

Do You want a night of love with me and my sisters? Call 9344444 for an appointment now. $50 for a foursome. Toys and "Joysticks" included.

This ensures that two groups of people will continually spam her number:

Chee-Ko-Pehs as the Hokkien say it, or Dirty Old Men ( and very stupid dirty old men to believe such an advertistment if you ask me)

People Of AUTHORITY to arrest them.

Vitr.

That will do it for this edition of Bong. I hope you can use the plans outlined to the FULL EFFECT. Let the BONG followers be blessed with high intelligence and enough wickedness to bestow upon those who willingly vandalise our public places of TRANSPORT the full consequences of their dastardly miscreantic actions.

Bye!

The Renovation, Part 1

2006-10-10T04:35:00.000-07:00

Today is the day before all exams terminate.

And I'm one day early from my tour of Outer Tanzania, but then again, it was a bit too hot there. And I thought it was winter in Tanzania.

The legality of Doctor Bong has been questioned repeatedly. To address your concerns, the first step is to remove all names mentioned BEFORE.

Henceforth, Doctor Bong exists only in a PERPENDICULAR universe and exists because of a disposition in the nylon fabric of the space-time "funnel" that most of us go through. It is because of this that SOME real events MAY be slightly distorted in my Diary.

My name will remain as Dr. Bong Bullard Samy.
My Deputy Principals have new c0d3-names. And they have numeric codes, too! You need a few literary backgrounds to understand them, namely Sun Wukong, Harry Potter and a bit of Water Margin. They are arranged in order of importance.

------------------------------------
053: The Iron Fan
148.5: Ms Chang's Mum
666: The Ink Of The BlackBoard (or The Product Of The Barbecue)
832: Sallow-Faced Brute
------------------------------------

And my discipline master - (the spanking remains bold, and the whipping and handcuffs remain freshly etched on my flesh)

I mean the STUDENTS' discipline master remains as Bonger.

Let me give you a light snack before I whet your appetite tomorrow. This is loosely based off a true story that actually DID happen in this universe.

I bought a canned drink of Coca-Cola off the vending machine. Stupid $1. What I did was to make the $1 magnetic, and then use a EXTREMELY strong magnet to draw out all the change.

Moving on, I found that I was in a bit of a hurry to get back for dinner.
But then, I needed to catch a bus home. But the Super Bus Salutation Company doesn't allow drinks. What to do then?

Swiftly, I drank up half the can, then I chanced across this small patch of elevated grass. It was elevated such that I could look onto it, but I could not lift my leg onto this platform.

Ants live in grass habitats.
I poured a small amount of the coke onto this small concrete "walkway" just beside the grass.
Ants are attracted to sweet things.

From all corners and crannies did the ants come! I had no idea so many existed. And as if ants weren't enough there were all sorts of jungle objects like caterpillars and mosquitoes that also heeded to pay this museum of sorts a visit.

I felt a certain viciousity. That does not mean I am thick.

Previously after having a kickabout with my staff, I had left a half-eaten mooncake in my snackbox at the goalposts. 20 minutes later when I wished to finish it up, I was sorely disgusted as the lunchbox was teeming with ants. About 40++ had decided to infest my lunchbox. Of course I drowned the lot in some dilute H2S04, but the ants had cost me half a mooncake, and I would never forget that debt.

As one ant approached the puddle of carbonated drink, I scraped the bottom of the can against the concrete platform, moving it all the way towards the ant and with a little stopping distance to boot. The ant was crushed beneath the can and half of it remained on the bottom while half was stuck on the concrete platform.

In that moment, one life ceased to exist.

Truly, a tragedy which Shakespeare would have been proud of. He would have been even prouder that I massacred 34 ants, 2 mosquitoes and 3 beetles before my bus arrived.

Let this be a warning to you:

If you see another person dead a distance away, don't walk to him.

I'll be back

2006-09-23T19:18:00.000-07:00

To quote the Governor Of California:

I'll be Back.

Doctor Bong will return October 11th.

To address your legal concerns

2006-09-11T02:02:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying there is no possible way I can be held accountable for damage to any real character in Singapore or anywhere else in the world.
All names mentioned on The Dairy Of Doctor Bong are fictional.
Any resemblance to living characters (or dead) is purely coincidental.
Besides, I have legal options.

Now let's loosen up a bit.

Exams are coming. I will adore Korncentration Kamp, where we get to blast Korn music on the speakers all day. In addition, lunch will always be Corn, corn muffin and corn chowder.

We will also invite some professional CONmen and have the airCON turned to full blast.

In tribute to the PUNisher. I am not worthy.

if you wish to sue me.

2006-09-02T19:27:00.000-07:00

This weekend we had a fun-filled orgy in a resort at Tuas.

Let me not go into the saucy details, but I will inform you that the HOUSE SPECIAL, the Verdana Sling, was excellent and got us all drunk. When we woke up tomorrow, we were in a dark alley in Atlanta. We had to call the bursar to bail us out.

Questions litter themind.

2006-08-29T05:16:00.000-07:00

Who is Kavametric?
It sounds like Norweigan-Hebrew.
$100 bong dollars to this Kavametric person to identify himself.

From his blog, I discern he is another loyal follower of Bong's Crusade.

Let me give you something straight from the heart.

The secondary education scene in Singapore is being overwhelmed by the Book Power of Faffles and Fwa Chong Finstitution. And there are many pretenders to Le Grande Throne, such as Funman High and Fictoria. And let's not forget Fever Valley.

among all the chaos.
there will be a figure we can rally to.
a hero.
we will grab on the wings of eagles
and the hero will watch us fly away.

We must strive through the pandemonium these abysmal porters have caused us. WE MUST NOT LOSE HOPE! There will be a new school for the 2nd decade of the 21st century.
While on that point, I am thinking of centering the school around me and my faitfhul Dps to better reflect who has put in the MOST amount of work into this school.

No one can hold a candle to me, not even a pyrotechnician.

Bonglo-Cholense Fool (Fanndependent)

A new school for Worshippers Of Bong. This school will also be the first to offer chapel services centred around the religion of Bong, which practises fascism and dictatorship as its moral values.

Time for a new section of this blog titled, Confucius Say!

Confucius Say: Man Who Stand On Toilet High On Pot
Confucius Say: Man Who Stand On Mountains High On Crack

Confucius Will See Jew Next Week With More Pun Ishment.

I will also introduce a new system for measurement which will be implemented in ACS in Term5:

90.9kg = 1 Fann
600 degrees Celsius = 1 Cholen (forbeingsohawt)

1 block of wood = 1 Bongar
Energy required to lightup a supernova = 1 Bong
Energy required to light up a block of wood = 1 Fafflesian

I'll think of more soon, you loyal nipples, you.

1 block of wood = 1 Bongar
Amount of energy to light up a supernova = 1 Bong

Mature Angst

2006-08-28T04:11:00.000-07:00

Sniff.
Today Fann slapped me on the right cheek. When I stumbled into the female toilet by mistake Cholen slapped me on the left cheek.
I'm so depressed.
Why are my DPs so cruel to me?

I think I might consider slitting my left testicle to relieve the pain.

M0RRNING

2006-08-27T05:29:00.000-07:00

Ah it is nice to see loyal followers to Doctor Bong's Hemisphere.
I mean Blog.
The Moe Project went without a hitch. So now the Minister is stranded 10,000 miles away in the Bermuda Triangle with some daily rubbish and silicon chips.
Some of you may not know this.
But standing at the flag poles every morning during assembly
aghegm
ahem.
i must compose myself.

Standing at the flag poles every m-
MORNING
during assembly
and shaking the hands of prizewinners so many
and having the national anthem and the pledge blasted into your ears every day
is fun

But, being so near to 7 long, smooth and protruding flag poles
it just turns me on.
Ah what I would give to do Elvis' Pelvis to the flag pole between the school flag and the national flag. Every morning, I have to put my hands in my pockets and grab tight or my pants will spontaneously burst.

Moving on.

I actually own a bar down at Clarke Quay, it is called

Bong's Happy WangLand.

I offer 3 (three) (tiga) (san) (square root of ernbader) specialized and unique shakes.

The Cool Groove - a mixture of lemon, lime, sugar, salt, pepper and cervical mucus.
The Cholen - dedicated to my very own. Guava, watermelon, durian and parmesan cheese is put in a blender and mixed. Then some mild explosives are put to line the mixture and a match is lit. My patrons have expressed happiness at seeing it go up in flames. The warmly but not overdone roast is then served with chili.
The B.O.N.G - This is my pride and my ecstasy and is a drink I have been working on since my teenage years. And they were oh so hot.

B is for Belly
O is for Ostrich
N is for Neutron
G is for German

I went to the Black Forest 2 weeks ago in Germany and brought back a few German ostriches. Then I SLAYED them and cut their belly out. Then I used a redox reaction to remove their electrons and a botox reaction to remove their protons, leaving only neutrons.

I'm sorry, was that too corny for you?

Yesterday I was feeling really depressed and "angsty" as young people call it. So I wrote a song. And I am glad to share the lyrics of it with you. I have the melody in my head and the lyrics on paper. All I need is a band.

Field Of Stars

(chorus)
There's a field of stars just waiting for you
There's a life of dreams just over the blue
All we have to do
Is soar.
We can fly on our wings even more.

When we met.
You told me that
We would never make it
but i hoped.

And i dreamt of a future
with you in the picture
and me in the frame.
and i flew.

(chorus)

let the angels lift us
gravity you can kiss my ass (stupid editorials)
let the angels fly us
into a field of stars.

All you had to say was yes.
and we could fly..
All i had to do was dream.
into the skies..

(chorus)

you can melt with me.
you can fly with me.
there are castles in the sky
we can reach
Together.

we can spread our wings.
and fly into a field of stars
we can hold our hands
and float into the clouds..
......
(chorus)

And all we have to do
is fall
in a field of stars.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Inspired by a blog.

Okay maybe this post isn't too Bong-ish enough for you loyal subordinates.

I promise to post again tomorrow.

Lalala

2006-08-22T02:20:00.000-07:00

This week, the MOE ba-tards are coming to evaluate our school. That is not good, because our school is only dressed up to be good and exemplary. Inherently however, it is weaker than a Fafflesian.

This is why I must commence Project Koolimakaladia, or Project KOOL for short. Here is how it will work, I have already planned it out with my faithful comrade-in-arms.

1. At 0800 hours tomorrow, the Ministry people will arrive. Fann will greet them and bring them to her office for some tea and cupcakes.

(Remember Sun Tzu's 64th principle, make your enemy look at one hand while you're doing something with the other.)

2. At this time, Cholen and Char Siew will be setting 30 stasis traps along the route outside her office. Fann has orders to delay them for as long as possible. She will also add laxative to the tea.

3. Bongar will now do jumping jacks naked in the PE admin office to entertain the PE teachers. Then, I can skimp on their annual bonuses.

4. Yvette will wait along their route to the classrooms at this point with orders to use her stun gun freely.

5. I will be entertaining people at a strip club along Boat Quay.

If all goes well, this should result in

1/3 of them having to spend their visit in our fragrant and delicious toilets, which have trapdoors attached beneath them which will lead to an underground conveyor belt system which leads to the Institute of Mental Health (20 km away in Buangkok).

1/3 of them being stunned by my DP's "imba" stasis traps until 2.40pm, where they will be deposited in a net and put in the garbage truck, which should arrive at 12.40pm on time to go to Woodlands Regional Disposal Point. All garbage at that area is loaded onto a special cargo ship which goes to the Bermuda Triangle every 24th of each month.

1/3 of them being brought down by Yvette's stun gun, and then packed into Bongar's truck, where they will be brought to Changi Prison's High Risk Facility.

The minister himself however will be wearing a Shield Of Spell Immunity that will render him invulnerable to our attempts to dispose of him.

THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO STOP SUCH EVIL MECHANISMS.

The sheer power of Bonger's and Fann's charm, a two-pronged attack, will have him reeling from the blow. Char Siew has kindly agreed to then move in and give him a swift kiss on the nose, which should by all accounts bring him down. We will then put our clone in charge as the new Minister and give ourself all sorts of awards in this position.

As for the Minister himself, we could just dump him in the Johor Straits, but they are too shallow. What we need to do is drop him in Antarctica. To do this, I have arranged for my pilot friend Jonny to bring him to Juzzie Ice Station. Of course, we will put him in a sensorily reduced state for 1 week (at least) and remove his Spell Shield thingamijig. I have also arranged for my hypnotist friend from Mongolia to alter his memory to make it seem like he is a crocodile-and-mouse farmer from Uruguay.

Project KOOL will succeed. My planning is ritualistically coherent. Now however, I must change into my paper bra. Goodbye to you, my loyal subordinates.

Bonger Bong

2006-08-20T01:53:00.000-07:00

Updates for my faithful followers:

1. There will be a public caning for someone who sold a $300 game character to a classmate (i think it's maple story) come Monday.
2. Cholen has divorced her long-time mistress Avril.
3. My moustache has grown about 6.3 mm on the left side and 4.3 mm on the right, and 0.5 mm vertically downwards.
4. The grass on the rugby field has been drying. We had to wring dry one of the cleaners to make sure the grass did not shrivel up and die.
5. The field on the higher ground at the PE block has been shrinking, thanks to a new tectonic plate being created under it just 2 hours ago.
6. A volcano is forming in Kalimantan, Indonesia.
7. The contractor has informed me that one of the pillars supporting the IB campus is said to be unsteady.
8. The contractor has informed me that due to one too many mass orgies, his workers are unsteady.
9. Bongar has changed his name to Bonger. How similar to my name! It must be our destiny. When we are eventually married, his name will be Bonger Bong. What a nice ring that has to it.
10. I am henceforth banning all of the following games on tablet PCs:

Dilution Of The Anteaters (DotA)
Chlorine Snakes (CS)
Rings Of Cum (RoC)
Flying Tea (FT)
Drain of Water (DoW)
Cry Of Dick (CoD)
Brittle Fick (BF 2)
and, er, all racing games which include Grand Turinmo, Project Batman Racing, Rodge Racer and OutRan 5 which I'm told just came out.

If I find any such games, I swear I will take off my pants on the spot and piss on your keyboard.

WASSSUP!

2006-08-17T16:18:00.000-07:00

A full week has passed since I last updated the Dairy Of Doctor Bong. I have recently been preoccupied with other matters including the rugby finals and my joyous affair with Bongar. I have now renamed Lencho as Cholen.

I was also able to meet my good acquaintance from the marine life, Seaking, who recently returned from Australia to catch some delicious Singaporean salmon. Salmon with Norwegian herbs and Chilean oyster sauce is excellent.

Ah the rugby finals! What an exhilirating expression of liberties and gay orgies. I am glad to say we soundly defeated our ARCH rivals Faffles Institution 15-10

LOL PWNED

and thus I held a very tense discussion with the other DPs about whether to hold a holiday. This is how the conversation went...

Me: Our rugby team has done very well in the finals yesterday.
Fann: I agree, my dear.
Lencho: But curry puffs are not in the rage.
Fann: What?
Yvette: So what shall we do about this?
Char Siew: It is customary to have a holiday after a victory in rugby finals.
Fann: Ah yes but we could have had another holiday if our other rugby team had won THEIR finals.
Lencho: The 'B' Div rugby team has already worked very hard.
Fann: I slap you ah, I could run faster than any of those jokers.
Lencho: Are you willing to take that bet?
Fann: Not only that, I could kick the ball in between those long spikes they call goalposts from halfway across the field.
Char Siew: Are you willing to take that bet?
Fann: Not only that, I could run from one end of the field to the other and you can have the whole rugby team try to stop me. But with my ninja wizardry and my powers of deception and speed, you will try as hard as peas.
Yvette: Peas?
Char Siew: I like peas. I eat them with honey.
Yvette: I prefer seafood dinners.
Lencho: So how much will you wager, Ms Curry Puff?
Fann: I will wager my love for Bongar.
Me (rather tensed): The point is, are we going to have a holiday? And if we do, when?
Lencho: I think Monday is a good idea. We'll be rather tired on Sunday night, won't we (nudges me).
Yvette: Another option is Friday because that day is the shortest.
Char Siew: But Friday is the day for all the UYOs.
Char Siew: Do you really want to have the UYOs cancelled?
Yvette: Yes. I hate Scouts.
Char Siew: ..
Fann: In any case I think Monday is a horrendous idea (stares straight at Lencho).
Fann: Monday is a VERY L O N G day and with the exams SO CLOSE! we must be vigilant and not waste valuable lesson time.

At this point, a caterer comes in with a few trays of food, sets them on the table, and leaves.

Fann: MMM I love curry puffs!
Char Siew: MMM I love char siew!
Yvette: MMMM I love chendol ice cream!
Lencho: MMM I love you, my dear Doctor Bong.
Me: I would love a holiday.
Char Siew: Caterer! CATERER! I need more salt, please.
Yvette: Not enough salt?

After much eating and scrumptious reagents being made, the meal is over.

Lencho: Out to the field.
Fann: What?
Lencho: Time to see if your bet takes form.

- At The Field, 1000 Hours, Thursday -

The rugby team from the B division is ready. When they see what their "challenge" is, they burst out laughing in fits all over the field.

Fann: Get me a swimsuit.

- At The Field, 1005 Hours, Thursday -

Fann is dressed in a swimsuit.

Lencho: Challenge no. 1 is that you can run faster than any of these jokers.
Fann: Send three of your best men, I'm not scared.

- Rugby captain, still smirking, sends three of his worst men. -

Lencho: Let the race begin. This is a 200m race, first across wins.
Char Siew: Beep!

And they're off. At first, it seems that Fann has a very slight lead. But once the rugby players take their eyes off the road and on Ms Fann "Curry Puff", they laugh so hard their dentures fall out and they cannot continue the race. As a result, Fann wins this challenge.

Rugby captain loses half of his smirk. Now looks like the Joker in Batman.

Lencho: Still two more challenges. Challenge no. 2 is to kick the ball in between the goalposts from the halfway line.

Fann (still in swimsuit) walks to the halfway line, and readies herself. The ball is placed in the exact centre of the pitch, and one of those little egg cups is also placed below it.

Lencho: Are you ready?
Fann: KooliM.A.Caladia.
Lencho: Let challenge 2 proceed. You may begin when you wish.

Fann stretches her tendons, her thighs and her calves, but is chased off by the mother cow.

Fann readies and walks 10m back from the ball. The rugby team watches, tense, silent.

BOOT!

The ball flies off. Fann's boot and her sock flies off. The egg cup flies off, and Fann does a cartwheel in mid air and lands flat on her breasts.

I mean face.

The ball bounces down about 30m from the goal line. The boot lands 35m from the goal line, but owing to a very strong wind, the sock is impaled on one of the goalposts. The egg cup lands on the other.

Fann frowns. But wait! The ball is 30m from the goal line in the opposite direction. It has gone through!

Fann smiles. Lencho looks aghast. The rugby team are in fits of laughter. Char Siew is snacking on a bench nearby. Yvette is swimming. I am fidgeting with my tie.

Lencho (regaining her composure): The third challenge is to run from one end of the pitch to the other line and score a touchdown with the whole team trying to stop you.

Fann walks to one side of the pitch and takes the ball. She is ready as ever.
The rugby team, a set of very masculine and strong men, takes the pitch in their usual formation. No more jokes. Maul the DP1 if you have to. Gore her.

Fann begins her run. She stalks to the left. Three players run at her, but Fann being so thin stops her run and they all fall behind and in front her. She continues her run.

She is now runninng straight at four rugby players, two of which are national players. But a roll and a dodge means they all miss her and land in a heap. She turns and smiles at the pile of players when suddenly

OOF!

A quarterback has just gored her from the right. She flies a full 5 metres before dropping. But she is still holding on to the ball. The quarterback, having knocked his head against her tailbone, is knocked out.

She regains her stance, and begins running. She is now passing the halfway line.

With a skip and a turn, she evades two more. Using the ball as a weapon, she knocks out another. She is now only 10 metres from the goal, but there are still 10 players in her way.

Suddenly, a gust of wind streaks across the rugby field. The grass ripples and Fann is taken up and blown from the right side of the field to the left side where there is no cover. The rugby players being so MANLY AND MASCULINE are unaffected by the wind, but they immediately sprint to the other side of the pitch.

The stars in the air are frosted. They glance down at the spectacle.

At this point, the sock begins falling from its place on top. It lands in the face of the leading half-back, and he falls to the ground, blinded. Three more who are tailgating him are promptly tripped. The otheres have to take a detour around the pile..

Fann is getting ever closer, only five metres now, but on the far side of the pitch.

The egg cup begins flying across the pitch. Gradually, it gains speed until it turns from a frisbee to a hyperpowered and caffeinated frisbee. It is now hurtling straight at the goal line where Fann plans to land. Currently three entities are now rushing at that point: Fann, Frisbee and the 6 rugby players.

Who will reach there first?

Fann and the rugby players reach there at the exact same time. They go for her, they spear her from the side and she is violently and shockingly knocked all the way to the side, almost to the touchline. If it goes out, she will lose because she has no one to pass to.

She is in mid air, flying towards the tuochline and the goal line. It seems she will reach the goal first, but the egg cup suddenly comes in -

hits the third rugby player -
ricochets -
and slams into Fann in the head. Poignantly.
The ball flies limply from her grasp, dropping 20 cm away from her arms. She reaches desperately for it - and misses.
The ball drops. No touchdown.

- Back at the Admin Office, 1030 Hours -

Lencho: Are you satisfied with their performance now?
Fann: No.
Lencho: You owe me $50.
Me: So will we have a holiday?
Fann: Yes.
Lencho: No.
Char Siew: MMMM!
Yvette: Koolimakaladia.

Of course in the end, we decided to have a holiday on Friday. But Lencho had to be force-fed some Subutex to agree, because it was nearing midnight and no conclusion had yet been reached. Char Siew will have to watch her weight. And Bongar -

Bongar my love, return to me.
The winds have carried you far.
The tides have swept you away.
But the meandering river shall forever lead to I.

I do miss you now. Char Siew is no longer as hot as she used to be.
Her char shao bao was frozen.
Yvette, Lencho and Fann cannot compare to you.
You, my love, are molten.

Till next time, warm goodbyes from the office of Doctor Bong. I hope you have enjoyed this especially long feature, it took me a full 35 minutes to type. Try and spot the 5 references to a few people I have made.. post if you know them.

Shoutout to brien, edwin, you jin khoo, louie and my kel.
Doctor Bong, out.

Madere

2006-08-02T04:48:00.000-07:00

Good morning students and teachers ONCE AGAIN!

It has been a long time since I saw your beautiful faces. I may add that - I am no paedophile because I am already a zoophile. And I like my Fantastic Four.

Ah, my love affairs are a complicated situation. But let me confide in you, my repartees, my departure from my professional life:

On Monday, I see my dear Fann Curry Puff Hair Style.
On Tuesday, I see my dear Cholen.
On Wednesday, I see my dear Hock Char Siew.
On Thursday, I see my dear Yvette.
On Friday, I see my dog.
On Saturday, I see Bongar. But that is STRICTLY PROFESSIONAL, DAMN YOU.
Sunday is my rest day.

I look forward to my Saturdays the most.

This upcoming National Day is in a complete disaster. Bongar's planning has been frenetic and generally terrible. And tomorrow I have to massage the GuestOfHonour's nipples otherwise he will "dao" my ceremony. And i cannot afford that.

But his nipples are hairy like the Black Forest in Germany. It's a jungle. I hear that his wife regularly has to take a pair of scissors to release herself because her hands got knotted in his chest hair. His chest hair is more coagulated than superglue.

Enough said on the GuestOfHonour.

Erm.

Ah yes.

This Friday is the Cross-Country. I do not understand why it is called Cross-Country when we are only running around a stupid reservoir in Macritchie. Cross Country would rightfully be from Changi to Tuas. Huh. What a load of cheapskates.
But it is my dearest Char Siew's decision. Little Cream Puff! I cannot stay mad at her. For her great "services" in the last 35++ years, I have written a short poem. Let me narrate it to you.

Her eyes, they are luminous.
Her cheeks are barbecue-red.
Her mouth is tantalising, almost delicious.
Char Siew, I miss you.

My students will recite this poem mass-style tomorrow morning. Surely her cheeks wil truly flush a brick red then.

Madere. Doctor Bong, signing out.

New Update

2006-07-27T04:04:00.000-07:00

I have updated the sidebar of the blog with a disclaimer and a tagboard.

I spoke to the Y3 cohort today about falling grades and dropping marks. It seems that if we do not construct a more sturdy roof, the grades and marks will drop on our students' heads creating much amnesia and migraines.

In other updates, I was kissed' today by dear Bongar!

I might not have to migrate him to Azerbaijan after all.

A conversation off seallyme.blogspot.com

2006-07-25T05:34:00.000-07:00

Morning to all teachers, good morning GEntlemen.

This morning, I saw a conversation that was gotten off a certain prefect. Yes, prefects are my source of information. They are my eyes, my ears and my wang.
Let's listen to this. I have posted my (MY) comments in between with BONG, these are not part of the original conversation. Let's move on.

PROF: So you believe in God?
STUDENT : Absolutely, sir.

PROF: Is God good?
STUDENT : Sure.

PROF: Is God all-powerful?
STUDENT : Yes.

BONG: blah, blah, blah

PROF: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal
him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God
didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm?
(Student is silent.)

PROF: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is
God good?
STUDENT : Yes.

PROF : Is Satan good?
STUDENT : No.

PROF : Where does Satan come from?
STUDENT : From...God...

PROF : That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in
this world?
STUDENT : Yes.

BONG: Sure is.

PROF : Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything.
Correct?
STUDENT : Yes.

PROF : So who created evil?
(Student does not answer.)

PROF : Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these
terrible things exist in the world, don't they?
STUDENT : Yes, sir.

PROF: So, who created them?
(Student has no answer.)

PROF: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe
the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?
STUDENT : No, sir.

PROF: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?
STUDENT : No, sir.

PROF: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God?
Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?
STUDENT : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

PROF:
Yet you still believe in Him?
STUDENT : Yes.

PROF: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol,
science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
STUDENT : Nothing. I only have my faith.

PROF: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.
STUDENT : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

PROF: Yes.
STUDENT : And is there such a thing as cold?

PROF: Yes.
STUDENT : No sir. There isn't.

(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)

STUDENT : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat,
mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have
anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no
heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing
as cold. Cold is only a word we use to
describe the absence of heat.
We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of
heat, sir, just the absence of it.

BONG: Sure, you young punk. I'll put you in the Subarctic, and I'll let you call that Heat.

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

STUDENT : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as
darkness?
PROF : Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?

STUDENT : You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of
something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light,
flashing light....But if you have no light constantly, you have
nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness
isn't. If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't
you?

BONG: I missed something there. I'll put you in a small lift with cockroaches and spiders with no light. Is that darkness?

PROF: So what is the point you are making, young man?
STUDENT : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

PROF: Flawed? Can you explain how?
STUDENT : Sir, you
are working on the premise of duality. You argue
there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You
are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can
measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses
electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully
understood either one.To view death as the opposite of life is to be
ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.
Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it.

Now tell me, Professor.Do you teach your students that they evolved
from a monkey?

PROF: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes,
of course, I do.
Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?
(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize
where the argument is going.)

BONG: I shake my own head with curiosity.

STUDENT : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at
work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor,
are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a
preacher? (The class is in uproar.)

My dear emo kid, if you bother to read any proper science material you will know that this evolutionary process did take place. Charles Darwin is turning in his grave.

STUDENT : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the
Professor's brain?
(The class breaks out into laughter.)

STUDENT : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's
brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so.
So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable,
demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain,sir.

BONG: Is there anyone here who has seen your wang? Is there anyone who has felt it, touched it, heard it or smelt it? Or tasted it?

No one has done so. According to your mehpukk demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no rod, my young student.

With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?
(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face
unfathomable.)

BONG: If you don't trust his lectures then go out and be an indepedent, self-serving freelance photographer you young bugger.

PROF: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.

STUDENT : That is it sir... The link between man & god is FAITH. That
is all that keeps things moving & alive

BONG: I thought respiration kept things moving and alive. So corpses have no faith? And rocks have no faith?

Oh wait, I'm contradicting yourself.

I'd love to hear from you. I value your input.

Deus Ex Machina

2006-07-23T05:03:00.000-07:00

I sit in my office, planning the apocalypse to come.

The foolish young ones cooped up in their classrooms think the air-conditioning in the SAC is for their comfort.

What fools.

Once the cyanide cylinders arrive, I shall poison the air-conditioning in the SAC, infecting an estimated 88.2% of the school population and binding them to do my will. I can then begin the Imperial March on Faffles Institution and conquer them. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

And of the remaining 11.8% of the school (which are mostly foreign scholars),

I shall command the prefects to throw them out of the window. I shall also call the road cleaners to do a special job outside the classrooms.

The teachers are inviting me to a kick-about at Toa Payoh. Surely they jest. I shall bring my Mercurial Vapors XIXX and

0WN THE1R A5535! L0L0WNED

Project Poison is proceeding very well. I heard that some ACS (Farker) boys tried to start a fight during the Battle of the Bands concert. They will be next. Let them relax their guard for now, we will surge their toilets, we will take their classrooms by storm. Dr Bong, signing out.

The Opener

2006-07-22T18:53:00.000-07:00

Good morning teachers, Good morning Gentlemen.

*waits for the grand acknowledgement*

thinks: LOL BOW to me you unworthy minions.

Today, I renewed the contract with the Fhristalite Methodist Home that specifies that we have to send a class down there at least once every week. Mr Lim of the Home tells me that the members of the Home have taken to donning ACS attire in respect of their kind helpers. Well done school.

I would also like to commend Evin Wong and Haun Lee for their magnaminous and selfless efforts in undeceitfully returning this laptop to its "rightful" owner.

Speaking of which, I would like to ask the person who lost his tablet PC to give a big shout.

"Someone from 1.6 or 1.7 shouts out Dr BONG WO YONG YUAN HUI ZHI CHI NI"

I would now like everyone standing within 2 metres of him to give him a tight slap at anywhere you please.

"Someone from 1.6 or 1.7 screams out in pain"

Thank you. Let's now give a round of applause to the National Poliz Caddy Cadet Company Corps (Space) for a uninspiring and generally depressing flag-raising involving the flag being ripped into half.

*Catcalls and applause from the audience. I am great, I am worthy of their applause. 2000+ people look to me as their leader, I have responsibiities.*

At this point, the usurper, Bongar, comes forth with some of his boring messages about latecoming and littering the basketball courts and whatnot.

Some day, I believe he will take a very sharp cleaver and behead me in my office. I shall have to remove him the way I removed SeaKeng. I shall ring up my dear friend Bosef Stalin in north-western Azerbaijan and ask him to arrange a "disciplinary" post for Bongard. He can be the flogging boy in the Hagir Prison.

On another note, I shall have to apologize to my dear Fann for betraying her all these years. I have put my personal feelings ahead of my professional conduct in promoting Yvonna. Soon, I shall give her a post in the Woodlands Correctional Facility, and then I can be reunited with my three wives. It is a good thing I chose to be Windu. This religion allows me to have more than one wife, up to five wives.

The Windu religion was said to be formed by an ancient warrior by the name of Mace.

That is all for today. You may return to your cramped and stuffy classes.

Let Project Poison proceed as planned. Soon, complete dominance of secondary school education will be ours.